Since You Asked…
By CAROLINE SPOSTO
For the past two years, I’ve been in love with a man who is the old-school, strong, silent type. My intuition tells me he loves me, but still hasn’t said it. In fact, sometimes he goes days without texting me, but to be fair, he has a demanding job.
When we’re together, he’s passionate, funny and fully present and our sex life is off-the-charts.
Since I’m also old-school, I haven’t told him I love him. I feel the man should say it first.
How can I get our relationship over this “I love you” impasse and to the next level?
You might not be thrilled with what I’m about to tell you. In fact, what I say may be triggering, but we all need to be triggered once in a while to snap out of La La Land and face facts. Here goes:
Intuition is lovely, but it’s also a first cousin to wishful thinking. When we want something badly enough, we see it — even if it’s just a mirage.
Here’s a quick reality check: You said this man is going silent for days at a time.
Reality check: When a man loves a woman, he’s afraid to go silent. He makes a point to stay at the forefront of her mind so nobody else will edge in and find a place in her heart.
You said he texts you.
Reality check: When a man loves a woman, he’s not indifferent to the sound of her voice or satisfied to communicate through emojis.
You said he’s fully present when you’re together and your sex life is great.
Reality check: Sex doesn’t necessarily mean love to man. A lot of men can enjoy sex with a woman they don’t love, or fully respect. In fact, some men can enjoy sex with women they have borderline contempt for.
Before you get upset, let’s look at the flip side. Money and gifts don’t necessarily mean love to a woman. However, men often lavish women with material gifts when they fall in love. A lot of women can accept and enjoy flowers, candy, jewelry, gourmet dinners and champagne from a man and still feel indifferent about him or even feel a hint of disdain for him.
Bottom line: You can’t “sex” your way into a man’s heart any more than he can buy his way into yours.
Final reality check: When a man loves you, he “learns” you because he wants to make you happy. It sounds to me as if this man is making you miserable. He’s probably a decent guy, but you’re upset enough to write to me, which tells me he hasn’t bothered to “learn” you.
My advice is simple. Tell him you love him. Tell him what you need from him in terms of communication, commitment and intimacy.
Maybe he’ll come through. Maybe he won’t.
Either way, if you’re looking for true love and, after two years, he’s not feeling it, it’s best to wake up, smell the coffee and move on.
Even if it’s painful, it won’t hurt forever. I promise.
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