Since You Asked . . .

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Dear Caroline,

I have been married for five years — no kids, thank Heaven! –– I was shocked to find my husband’s profile on a dating app last night.

He’s away on a business trip, or so he says, and so I haven’t confronted him. I’m thinking of changing the locks, putting all his clothes in his car and setting it on fire in the driveway (like the scene in “Waiting to Exhale”) to greet him when he comes home.

Of course, common sense tells me not to do this, but maybe common sense is overrated — especially in a situation like this. Do you think he deserves it?

…Mad as Hell

Dear Mad,

A lot of people use the word “shocked” when what actually happened is that they had their suspicions confirmed. You didn’t mention what you were doing on the dating app, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were reacting to a red flag and don’t have an active profile yourself.

While your revenge fantasy is colorful and dramatic, what I think he deserves doesn’t matter.

You deserve the best outcome possible, so you can’t afford to undermine yourself by acting like a madwoman.

Do this instead:

Step into your power by quietly and discreetly building a solid case with as much evidence and as little drama as possible.

You need a good lawyer, and if you can afford a private detective, hire one, too.

Lastly, a forensic accountant is worth the money if you suspect foul play with your shared bank account or assets.

If you’re so upset that you know you can’t act naturally around your husband while you’re getting your ducks in a row, make a plausible excuse to stay with a nearby friend or relative for a little while.

The more you can shield yourself from drama, surround yourself with good people and keep a cool head, the better off you’ll be.

At this juncture, your future depends on your dignity and a fair divorce settlement. The fiery revenge fantasy you described is counter-productive to both. The last thing you need is more legal troubles caused by giving in to your temper so he has ammunition to use against you.

I’m sorry this happened but take heart. The pain won’t last forever, and you’ll soon be free to find a man who doesn’t feel entitled to have his cake and eat it, too.

Yours truly,


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