By CAROLINE SPOSTO

Dear Caroline,

I’m a widower, 45. After two years alone, I put up a dating profile, and it seems like the tables have turned since I was young and single. Women are now pursuing me. They tend to pay me a lot of compliments. That may sound like a pleasant problem, but it’s not. I have a lot of financial assets, and I don’t want to be a sitting duck. Do you have any tips on separating the phonies from the honest ladies?

…Rob

Dear Rob,

It’s pretty easy. Phonies use flattery. Honest ladies don’t. Honest compliments are in proportion fairly specific, and once they’ve been stated, the subject is quickly dropped and the conversation moves forward as before.

Flattery, on the other hand, is an obstacle to the conversation. It’s like an artificial sweetener with an aftertaste. It tends to be a little vague, over-the-top and — most importantly — is almost always followed up with a request. That request may be the next thing the flattered utters. They may circle back around a day or two later, but if someone’s flattering you, you can be pretty sure they’ll ask you for something fairly soon.

Flatterers flatter because they’ve learned it works. Few things are more intoxicating, especially in midlife, than feeling like a deeply desired, shiny new penny for an attractive new person. Face it: We all have insecurities, and it feels good to be told great things about ourselves. If your dating profile is getting loads of compliments from the type of women who never give you a second glance in real life, take a step back and take whatever they tell you with at least one grain of salt.

Of course, not all women who flatter you are gold diggers. Many are under-confident, so they use flattery to hold your attention, win your approval and fish for compliments from you. Regardless, you can’t have a healthy relationship in an echo chamber.

Whenever you get praise that rings hollow, say, “How sweet of you to say that,” and let it go. A sincere person will feel acknowledged and move on. Meanwhile, a flatterer will sense that you’re not as easy to manipulate as they’d hoped.

Here’s to discernment in your new romantic life. May true love find you again.

Caroline

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